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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

My favorite quote is one that I rediscovered from Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland….”If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Where am I going? It’s the question I must…. I will answer for myself this year.

It’s the beginning of a new year… 2010 and it seems like just a couple of years ago that we were all worrying about Y2K and wearing those goofy glasses with 2000 on them. Life at that point seemed so full of hope, love and promise. But things are never what they seem and the next 10 years turned out to be years of broken dreams and facing pain that I never thought I could face. Denial is the place we go when we cannot or will not look into the face of our truth. And it became my best friend. Me and denial… we were never apart.

There are days when I wake up, still in that half dreamy state and wonder…. why can’t I have my old life back? Why can’t I just rewind the clock and change a few decisions? My life’s dream to own my own B&B, caught between an economy in free fall and a marriage that wasn’t honest enough to bear the weight of my failed dream. There are still days when I dwell on the “why’s”, but they are getting further and further apart now. Why is no longer the question…. What is next is the question I must answer.

And that leads me to another quote from Lewis Carol that I had completely forgotten….”I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” So different, yet still a shadow of what I want to be. So this will be my year. My year to take all of the lessons I’ve learned and reform my life. It will be my second journey, my new path of forming a new life from a pile of unformed clay.

The pile of clay is full of fear, doubts of my abilities and the pain of losing the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. But it also contains a breath of hope, some newly learned skills of acceptance, willingness and the desire to look at life through the filter of love. Fear and love, they are the only two true emotions. And as I go down this new road, I hope to embrace them both.

So as I look forward to a New Year’s Eve with people who are so dear to me, true friends that open their hearts to me every year…. I start down this road again with hope. Hope that this will be the year that I can answer that question…. which way are you going girl?

Let the second journey begin…..

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